Day 12903

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Cool pic of the Day

I don’t even know where to begin.  More than thirty days have lapsed since I last wrote.  I’ve been feeling worse than ever, in spite of a good run with certain dietary patterns.  I can’t afford my meds right now.  I literally have no hope for a good future at the moment, and feel like everyone should just leave me in the woods to slowly, peacefully die.

But I’m going to make plans as though that won’t happen.  I decided that my sweeties will have to wait for me to get better, and if it takes me too long… then I’m sure they’ll find other women to date.  If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.  I just can’t go on pretending that nothing is wrong.  I don’t want to torture them with their attachment to me, if I can never get over this, if it becomes some persistent lifelong problem.  And yet… I dearly, desperately want to spend time with them.  I want them in my life, loving and holding me, and making everything okay.  The issue is, nothing will motivate me to change if I just keep pretending that everything’s fine and lah dee dah, and I waste like four to six hours on talking to them, doing nothing.

I have to face the fact that my health problems are stemming from my sedentary lifestyle and my weight.  Even if they aren’t cured by weight loss, they can still be dramatically improved.  So I need to change my lifestyle, and I can’t, when I’m basically wasting away in my chair all the time.  Even if I am in my chair, I want to be doing something productive, not just being a braindead lump.  There are books to read, things to write, projects that need to be done.  Anyway- I just… I wrote a set of rules for the foreseeable future.

Until I am in Better Health, I Will Never

  • Eat more than 1 meal per day.  Effectively intermittent fasting until I’m a more reasonable weight and my body isn’t so overtaxed by my damn fat that metabolic issues are starting to arise.  I need to lose weight.  A lot of weight.  It can not be “too fast” in my opinion.  Additionally, even though I will be hungry sometimes, this will probably end up REDUCING my drama and thoughts around food.  That gnawing stomach sensation usually goes away after an hour or two.  After that, it’s dozens of hours of tummy peacefulness.  I also won’t constantly be thinking about my next meal, because there is no next meal.  And although I have no plans of stuffing myself, I’ll be able to eat a full, satisfying meal this way, and at least feel satiety once a day… instead of that constant dieting feeling where it’s just never enough at any point, for days and days on end, until you go batshit insane and binge like crazy.
  • Talk to the sweeties for more than an hour a day.  I love them.  I want them to be with me, but not with the me I am right now.  I have too much to do to fix myself to let them monopolize my time; they’re actually enabling some of my laziness.  It’s not fair to them, being stuck with someone who’s unhealthy.  This will be a good test of whether or not they love me when my lifestyle is one that prioritizes my well being, and doesn’t necessarily revolve around them, or if they just feed off of that constant attention.  If what they need is my constant attention at the expense of my health, fuck them.  (No matter how much it will hurt to find out.)
  • Eat out at a restaurant.  It triggers binges.
  • Play games, watch tv, YouTube (unless it’s educational), or cartoons.  They are just other types of time sinks that don’t actually end up producing anything.

Until I am in Better Health, I Will Always

  • Listen to music.  It helps me think and feel better.
  • Be either illustrating, writing, reading, or watching something educational if I am sitting down.
  • Get an hour of low-stress movement every day.  Strolling outside, chores, etc.
  • Get a half hour or more of proper EXERCISE every day.
  • Avoid meat, cheese, and eggs 100%.  No exceptions, not even little ones.
  • Avoid junk food and processed food.
  • Eat a fruit and at least one vegetable at my meals.

In other news, I’ve also switched to a plant based diet.  I read The China Study and it was… very convincing.  I don’t really need to say much else, because those who have read it will know what I mean.  Those who haven’t, should absolutely go read it, so I’m not going to spell it out for anyone’s lazy ass.  I will make them go read it.  And I threw out my vape.  Wolf is watching his uncle go through chemo.  I know they’re not as bad as cigarettes, probably the least bad form of nicotine, but if I’m trying to improve my health, that’s one less toxic thing my body has to deal with, and also one less potential carcinogen to worry over.  It’s also one less money sink.  The mod I had was refusing to hold a charge for very long anymore, anyway.  I would have had to replace it, and I just went… what’s the point?  I should just stop this.  It’s more trouble than it’s worth.  Big tobacco is going to drive the hobby into the ground and make it impossible to maintain, even though it’s saving thousands of lives from their much more toxic garbage.  Assholes.

It’s pretty likely that I’ll be writing here more often.  So I’m just gonna stop here.

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Day 12868

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Cool pic of the day.

I went to see Rogue One today.  I spent a good full half of the movie being extremely bored; not only did the movie lack any MEANINGFUL character development, which gave me no sense of caring for the characters, but the plot was especially predictable.  I mean, after a certain point, it’s about something that you know is going to happen, because it’s confirmed by one of the original three movies.  The last third or so of the movie was entertaining from an action standpoint, and the scenes with Darth Vader were really tickling (probably because he’s the only character I had any kind of emotional investment in), but man, it was just really dull.  Slow, no- the pacing was fine- but none of what happens really matters to a viewer who isn’t a deep Star Wars fan, who might enjoy more granular aspects of the movie, or have more context for the characters, from other non-movie media.  Even then, I’m hearing that many fans are complaining about how boring it was, too.  And while I normally wouldn’t complain about this, it felt like Disney was pushing the female protagonist envelope too hard.  Jen feels VERY much like a watered down Rey.  While it’s true that the other movies may focus too hard on male protagonists, and contain a good deal of sexism, I don’t feel like female characters lacked personal strength, or that the new movies need to compensate by forcing a female lead.  Leia needs rescuing once or twice, but she is a badass.  She stands in Vader’s face and basically tells him to go fuck himself.  She’s paraded around like a sex toy by Jabba- and we can assume was violated, by the context- and she just shakes that shit off and goes back to helping the rebellion.  She’s the reason Star Wars passed the Bechtel test in an era from before the Bechtel test was even a thing.  Just because she was a high profile hostage, doesn’t mean that she wasn’t a very strong female character.  Anyone, male or female, can be held by overwhelming force.  The fact that she was in need of rescue several times, speaks nothing of her personal qualities.  Most of the other characters also need rescuing at some point.

I guess what I’m saying is that it is nice to have more significant female characters, but the more I think about it, the more I have a sneaking suspicion that they wrote in two female leads, in these last two movies, merely as sleight of hand.  It seems to me that it’s actually a very lazy way to deflect the lack of other female characters.  They can point to these characters and say, Oh, look, we included women!  How can you say we didn’t, she’s the lead!  …But there’s literally not one other female character of significance in Rogue One.  NOT ONE.  The Force Awakens has Rey and Leia.  Meanwhile both movies have a multitude of significant male characters; so many that I don’t think I could accurately count them without sitting down to watch the movies with a notebook, but I can guarantee you that in both movies, the important male characters outnumber the women by an exponent.  So putting these girls in the main cast is just a way to stifle criticism from women who would like to see equality of women in media.  In spite of Leia not being the technical lead in any of the movies, she is, by far, the best of all three female characters.  She’s important enough and proactive enough, to be in FOUR OF EIGHT MOVIES.  The only other protagonist with that distinction is Han Solo.  (I am not counting momentary appearances here- Luke being in the Force Awakens for about 30 seconds isn’t exactly meaningful in terms of the overall movie plot.)  When you consider that they had all the chances in the world to write women into this new Star Wars stuff, and the chick from the 70’s, whose role included a metal bikini, is still the best female character in the entire movie franchise, THAT is some weaksauce shit.

My ladybusiness feels like hell today.  (Sorry if someone is passing by and reading this, I write this for myself.)  I’m sure it’s just because I was on my progesterone cycle and accidentally missed two days, so my body is fucking out of whack.  Or I had too much alcohol over the weekend maybe.  I should probably just stop the progesterone and let the menstrual cycle go.  Meh.  I’ll see how I feel in the morning.  I’m starting to see why some women opt for continuous progesterone when in my situation.  I might make the switch.  I’ve been considering it.  It’s sure as hell not like I want to get pregnant.  But I’ve been considering another drug to help with my slight hair loss, which is usually taken with cyclical hormones.  I’m not really sure it can be taken with continuous estrogen/progesterone.  I mean it probably can, it is taken by some trans women for the same reason on a continuous basis… but given that I have a uterus to worry about, I’m not sure.  Sigh.  Choices…

… I think that’s all I’ve got.

Day 12865

I found a nice online calculator that will tell you exactly how many days it has been between two dates.  This will make it much easier to keep track of what day I’m on, with my lapses in writing.

How many days calculator

Anyway, I’m still plugging along trying to diet, but not making a ton of success.  Well, my successes are offset by the amount of binging and poor eating I have, is all.  I think it’s just going to take a very long time for me to figure out things I like to eat that are healthy.  I’m trying to be on a raw vegan bent, but I don’t want to pound down a ton of fruit.  I’d rather stick to vegetables and nuts.  When I’m out of the obese bmi, then sure- I’ll reconsider adding fruit, but until then, I’m sure my body could do with a much lower sugar intake.   Eating only vegetables and seeds and nuts is going to be MORE THAN enough carbs.  Ironically, when I went to the raw food community for help with this, saying that I didn’t want to eat a ton of fruit, and wasn’t SUPER into salad, I got nothing but a bunch of bullying.  Funny, isn’t it?  How they seem to want everyone to eat a raw vegan diet, and yet if you say something like, “I can only eat maybe one piece of fruit a day” they flip out?  As though nobody has specific needs or health challenges to tackle, or something.

Frankly, I blame that psycho banana chick, whose dietary advice is wantonly harmful to the people who listen to her.  She expects everyone to eat upward of 3,000 calories per day or some trash, because it’s worked for her, but she’s a goddamn triathlon runner and athlete.  She has no concept of the idea that someone might be, say, an artist, or an engineer or a nurse, and that there is no feasible way to fit four hours of running up and down mountains into a day.  You might be bursting with energy at work eating 3000 calories a day, sure, but if you can’t do anything with it, you can’t do anything with it.  Also the idea that you can eat nothing but bananas and be healthy is downright laughable.  There is no single perfect food, and if there were anything close, it would probably be avocado.  It has a pretty decent profile, shared between fat/ carbs/ protein.

Anyway, she was one of the first people who was highly visible in the raw food community, and she exudes negativity.  She has no dietary or medical training, but pretends to know it all.  She attacks stupid things, like garlic.  (I honestly think her body rejects garlic, because she HAS admitted to having problems with candida- which is a blanket term for gut dysbiosis these days- and that when she eats it, she goes through a pretty powerful Herxheimer reaction.  Which is what happens when you likely eat hundreds of grams of pure sugar per day.  Same could be said of anyone who backs her up.  Garlic is amazing for the gut.  If it actually killed the friendly bacteria that were in there, there’s no way Kim Chi could exist.  Kimchi is FULL of garlic, and the lactobacilli and other bacteria that ferment it STILL GROW.  So no, garlic won’t kill lactobacilli.  It does, however, kill yeasts and e. coli.)  And she attacks people, too, for having different opinions.  So I feel like a good deal of the raw food community comes from a background of learning from her.  And even if they’ve moved away from it, they haven’t moved away from the negative, attacking mindset that was fostered through that community.

I did something today that I think will help me a lot in my diet.  Basically, I was like- I have cucumbers.  I really need to eat more cucumber, because they’re good for things I’m going through.  But I feel really, really ambivalent about them.  I will never, a day in my life, crave a cucumber.  That said, the only vegetable I won’t ever like, aside from as a flavoring component for stocks, is celery.  But cucumbers are a good strong #1 for my least-liked vegetable that I will still eat.  So for the forseeable future, I’m going to be eating only whenever I am hungry enough that a cucumber salad sounds delicious.  Then I’m going to eat half a cucumber with some lemon, and whatever else.  Because I think that’s a good sign of true hunger, when you’re so hungry that even a food you’re usually kind of “meh” about, but don’t hate, seems great.  That’s hunger, verus craving.

I’m still in a real rut, artistically.  There are a lot of things I COULD do and WANT to do, but I’m afraid or lazy or depressed so much that I can’t make up my mind.  I desperately wish that kratom didn’t make me constipated for days on end, because it was so wonderfully uplifting and focusing.  But yeah, that level of not-pooping?  Hah, no.  Nooooooooooo.  I’ve had actual opiates, and THOSE don’t block me up like Kratom.  One dose of that is worse to me than a week’s worth of Ultram.  Might be overdue to have some kava… if I can get it down.  I wish this country would come to its damn mind and declassify weed and shrooms, already.  Fuck’s sake, they’re listed as having no medicinal value, and both have been objectively shown to have medicinal value.  (Micro doses of shrooms are great for people with PTSD and treatment resistant depression.)  At least bring them down to a reasonable schedule, DEA, damn.

I’ve been playing Minecraft and watching the Simpsons.  I can’t say it’s a good use of my time, but I can’t seem to drag myself up right now.  I did have a lot of gluten cheats lately, though, and I think maybe I’ll pick up again once it’s out of my system.  Oh well.

Day 12830

I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since I last wrote here.  This is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid.  What am I doing with my life?  Well, today I woke up at around 9:30 PM, and was really upset that I missed my opportunity to do anything this weekend, other than grab some takeout and do late night grocery shopping.  It’s going to snow tomorrow, and hit something like 5 degrees tomorrow night.  By the middle of afternoon, the streets would be terrible, and it wouldn’t be safe to go anywhere.  Sunday will probably be almost as bad.

I had a long fight with X, about the things that strained our relationship.  I never confronted him about how he just shut down after the death of his friends until today, because I had always wanted to let him have his grief, and yet it went on for longer than it should have.  It was at this juncture that I was telling him he needs to let himself be vulnerable again, and to find new social connections.  I can’t be the only person in his life anymore, and he can’t keep saying he loves me, and misses me.  It’s been years since we were dating, and I love him as a person, as part of my past, but the romance is gone, and there’s been someone new in my life for three of those years.  He doesn’t want to connect to new people- he’s scared to, and I don’t know if he ever realized that the death of his two friends was the point at which that willingness toward vulnerability shut down.  I told him I wasn’t going to his stupid company Christmas party this year, either.  I’ve humored him long enough on that.

I neglected to talk to the wolf about this, and I don’t know how I feel right now.  I’m not, and never will be interested in being together with X again, but if he knew how much I cried for what was lost, and everything that happened, I think the wolf would feel really insecure.  Wolf’s relationships all previously ended because they wanted to be with someone else, or had cheated on him, and he worries more than he needs to.  In the vast majority of things, I am completely open with him, but I tend to wonder if neglecting things like this will make him trust me less, if he finds out.  My purpose isn’t to deceive him, only to prevent needless worry.  Still, sometimes I have no outlet for when I need to tell someone about these things.

Day 12794

So my sleep schedule has been pretty wacky.  As of writing this, I will have only missed writing anything during one waking cycle, even though it appears as though I’ve skipped a day.  It’s currently 8 AM, and I have been up since 2 AM.  Hopefully, since it’s Friday night, I’ll be able to stay up until a normal hour, and then go to bed.  Not that it will last, mind you.

I’ve been thinking about my work.  In my head, I was imagining that a person who is going to be successful in life, working for themselves, may need to avoid putting all one’s eggs in one basket.  I have always flip-flopped from project to project, but I never considered that this may be a positive thing.  However, I do think I need to focus a little.  I had a project where I was going to simply sell clothes on eBay.  I bought the first set of garments, an initial investment of $75.  I was going to sell them for about 100% markup (clothes are remarkably cheap wholesale) and then buy two cases, continuing this way until I had a large enough stock of clothing, and regular enough sales that I actually had some kind of income.  It might take a while, but the more items I had listed, I’m sure the more I’d be able to sell in a day.  I don’t know why, but I’m scared to follow through on it.  Maybe, deep down, I’m afraid that it will fail.  I KNOW I’m a little afraid that people will try to use Paypal’s aggressive return policies to rip me off… but still, overall success seems likely enough.  Maybe not as likely as it would be if I were able to sell on Amazon (their credit requirements are… aggressive, and the cut they take is kind of insane), but still successful.  And if I were to have moderate success there, I could MOVE to Amazon, once I had a large enough stock to justify it.

And when I wasn’t doing that, I could still make art.  I know that art requires time, and right now, I haven’t been able to dedicate the kind of time to it that I wish I could.

I’m tired of writing and don’t know what I’m trying to say.  I’ll come back to this.

Day 12792

A sexist, racist, rapist, wife-beating, idiotic bigot is going to be in charge of my country come January.

This has not helped my depression.  I had actually been looking up yesterday, but was right back to contemplating suicide when I woke up and found out he’d won.  I was SO SURE that Hillary was going to win, based on her political ties, and based on Trump’s absolutely outlandish statements against just about everyone and everything.  By the sheer numbers, Hillary won the popular vote- and yet she is not our president.  The electoral college, very badly, needs to go.  It was formed in a time when we needed it, and the people who created it could never have imagined the ease with which we could communicate in our time.  It’s outdated.  We need to stop this fucking madness and rely solely on what all the people want.  Not on red states and blue states.  Not on people acting on our behalf, at least not for these huge national elections.  The people, by the numbers, even if it is a small number, wanted Clinton.  By all rights, as a democracy, that means we should have gotten Clinton.

Still, the popular vote was so close that my faith in humanity is shattered.

S H A T T E R E D.

I don’t even know what else to say right now.  Some of my friends are so upset and scared that they’re sobbing or drinking.  I’m not the only one contemplating suicide today.  This is a shitshow.  A joke and a shitshow and a travesty to mankind and our rights.  I have never been as embarrassed to be American as I am today.  I do not know how we are going to live down this shame, and we managed to live down G.W. Bush.  But I don’t know if there’s any coming back from Donald Fucking Trump.  I think he will be our Hitler.  And that is not hyperbole.

–Yesterday, I discovered that I was not bleeding due to a UTI, but I was menstruating (I won’t get into the gross details of how I determined this).  It might sound outlandish to someone who doesn’t know my situation, but I do not menstruate unless I have full on hormone replacement therapy and it’s been years since I had any.  Until this past month.  However, it had been 10ish days since the cessation of the progesterone I was taking, and I thought that it wasn’t going to happen, that I might have needed a longer course of progesterone, or higher dose or to switch to bio-identical stuff instead of synthetic.  When you add in the fact that I WAS bleeding because of a UTI about six weeks ago, before I ever started taking any hormones at all, you can see how I made the decision to go to the hospital.  I did still have a bit of a UTI… but they only gave me five days treatment, which leads me to believe it wasn’t very bad.  Still, I can see now that some of my issues, if not most, were caused by the fact that I was about to have a period.  I’m still okay with what I did.  It was worth it, and will probably get the last of this stupid nagging UTI to go away.  But I was so happy that that’s what most of it was, instead of being sick, that I was downright giddy.  Way to shit on my good mood, America.

3PM

I made some gluten free biscuit/ bun things.  I just used the biscuit recipe on the side of Bob’s All Purpose Gluten Free flour.  Instead of butter, I used half as much olive oil.  The buns I made are heavy, but not necessarily in a bad way.  Kind of in like a homey/ homemade bread way, if that makes sense.  They aren’t gummy, which alleviated my main fear, just needed a bit more leavening, I think.  See, I also didn’t have baking soda (a CFL bulb broke in the kitchen, so I threw away the baking soda, which was in the vicinity… nothing like slow, delicious mercury poisoning.. keep forgetting to get a new box), so just tossed in a little more baking powder.  The soda probably would’ve given them a bit more lift and lightened them up.  I guess there’s only so much fluffiness you can expect from a non-yeast bread, too.  Still miles better than the premade gluten free breads I’ve been buying, and cost less than half as much.  The lack of GF competition makes the damn prices fucking outlandish.  A loaf of mediocre-tier frozen bread should not be $5+.

Still don’t know how I feel right now.  I’m tired.  Should probably take a little nap.  Being tired never makes my mood better, unless I’m making art.  I don’t know why it helps me make art, probably just because the analytical part of my brain shuts down and lets me create.  But since I’m not doing that right now… probably a good nap time.  I want to be relatively awake tonight to talk to my boyfriend a bit, when he gets home from his work out in the field…

Day 12790

mg_6835
Another Oriental Shorthair.  Murder-dorable.  Heh heh.

12:30 AM
So here I am, plugging through another day.  I only just woke up, but I want to sit and write how I feel right now.  I’m still completely drained, but I feel like I might have some drive to do something productive.  I want to make a shirt that has the bust of Harley Quinn’s original costume on it with… well, never mind, I don’t want someone to steal it before I have my own chance to get around to it.

I’m still sick and feel really down, though.  I’m just trying to keep from thinking about killing myself, and if I start working on something, and feel like it isn’t going well, I know that that may make me feel worse.  But I was able to decide that it doesn’t matter how much it costs me, I need to take care of myself.  There are people who love me and will help me, and I can harass the people in medicare/ caid to help me, too.  I’ve been trying to get through Obamacare enrollment for two years now, and never manage to be able to sit around for the 21938757 hours it takes for someone to get to you.

Little complaint.  As much as I like the Udi’s gluten free bagels, they are way too dry.  I don’t think I can keep eating them, because they rip so much moisture out of one’s throat that one can be convinced that they’re coming down with the flu.  I ate one before bed last night, and even covered in melted cheese and olive oil, they were still just throat murder.  I’ve noticed this when I’ve eaten them before, but usually just eat half a bagel.  When I ate a whole one, however, it downright hurt.  I wasn’t sure it was the bagel until I woke up and was just fine again.  I was, after all, in the hospital, where I could have picked up anything or everything.  But no, definitely the bagel.  I’m going to try to get away from processed food again anyway.  They were just something left from my gluten free testing.  I needed to make sure that when I did have junk food around, it was GF, so that I could genuinely tell if gluten was bothering me or not.  It seems to be a sliding scale, with me and gluten.  If I eat a large amount, I have digestive issues and depression within 48 hours.  I had some chicken strips last night, and that’s perfectly an okay amount of gluten, just the little bit of coating that’s on chicken.  I mean, I try to avoid it, but at the same time, I needed comfort food really badly, and I was already as depressed as I could possibly be anyway.  But sandwich or pizza, no.  That’s right out, unless it’s not wheat based.

I will update this some more later, most likely… if I do anything worth note.

4:30 AM
My vagina hurts.  I can not find one thing I want to watch.  I would really like to be able to masturbate or have sex again, but who knows, maybe I’ll spend the rest of my life never able to enjoy the one thing that I had which I could enjoy without any real consequences.  As long as I wasn’t an idiot about it, anyway.

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