I don’t even know where to begin. More than thirty days have lapsed since I last wrote. I’ve been feeling worse than ever, in spite of a good run with certain dietary patterns. I can’t afford my meds right now. I literally have no hope for a good future at the moment, and feel like everyone should just leave me in the woods to slowly, peacefully die.
But I’m going to make plans as though that won’t happen. I decided that my sweeties will have to wait for me to get better, and if it takes me too long… then I’m sure they’ll find other women to date. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I just can’t go on pretending that nothing is wrong. I don’t want to torture them with their attachment to me, if I can never get over this, if it becomes some persistent lifelong problem. And yet… I dearly, desperately want to spend time with them. I want them in my life, loving and holding me, and making everything okay. The issue is, nothing will motivate me to change if I just keep pretending that everything’s fine and lah dee dah, and I waste like four to six hours on talking to them, doing nothing.
I have to face the fact that my health problems are stemming from my sedentary lifestyle and my weight. Even if they aren’t cured by weight loss, they can still be dramatically improved. So I need to change my lifestyle, and I can’t, when I’m basically wasting away in my chair all the time. Even if I am in my chair, I want to be doing something productive, not just being a braindead lump. There are books to read, things to write, projects that need to be done. Anyway- I just… I wrote a set of rules for the foreseeable future.
Until I am in Better Health, I Will Never
- Eat more than 1 meal per day. Effectively intermittent fasting until I’m a more reasonable weight and my body isn’t so overtaxed by my damn fat that metabolic issues are starting to arise. I need to lose weight. A lot of weight. It can not be “too fast” in my opinion. Additionally, even though I will be hungry sometimes, this will probably end up REDUCING my drama and thoughts around food. That gnawing stomach sensation usually goes away after an hour or two. After that, it’s dozens of hours of tummy peacefulness. I also won’t constantly be thinking about my next meal, because there is no next meal. And although I have no plans of stuffing myself, I’ll be able to eat a full, satisfying meal this way, and at least feel satiety once a day… instead of that constant dieting feeling where it’s just never enough at any point, for days and days on end, until you go batshit insane and binge like crazy.
- Talk to the sweeties for more than an hour a day. I love them. I want them to be with me, but not with the me I am right now. I have too much to do to fix myself to let them monopolize my time; they’re actually enabling some of my laziness. It’s not fair to them, being stuck with someone who’s unhealthy. This will be a good test of whether or not they love me when my lifestyle is one that prioritizes my well being, and doesn’t necessarily revolve around them, or if they just feed off of that constant attention. If what they need is my constant attention at the expense of my health, fuck them. (No matter how much it will hurt to find out.)
- Eat out at a restaurant. It triggers binges.
- Play games, watch tv, YouTube (unless it’s educational), or cartoons. They are just other types of time sinks that don’t actually end up producing anything.
Until I am in Better Health, I Will Always
- Listen to music. It helps me think and feel better.
- Be either illustrating, writing, reading, or watching something educational if I am sitting down.
- Get an hour of low-stress movement every day. Strolling outside, chores, etc.
- Get a half hour or more of proper EXERCISE every day.
- Avoid meat, cheese, and eggs 100%. No exceptions, not even little ones.
- Avoid junk food and processed food.
- Eat a fruit and at least one vegetable at my meals.
In other news, I’ve also switched to a plant based diet. I read The China Study and it was… very convincing. I don’t really need to say much else, because those who have read it will know what I mean. Those who haven’t, should absolutely go read it, so I’m not going to spell it out for anyone’s lazy ass. I will make them go read it. And I threw out my vape. Wolf is watching his uncle go through chemo. I know they’re not as bad as cigarettes, probably the least bad form of nicotine, but if I’m trying to improve my health, that’s one less toxic thing my body has to deal with, and also one less potential carcinogen to worry over. It’s also one less money sink. The mod I had was refusing to hold a charge for very long anymore, anyway. I would have had to replace it, and I just went… what’s the point? I should just stop this. It’s more trouble than it’s worth. Big tobacco is going to drive the hobby into the ground and make it impossible to maintain, even though it’s saving thousands of lives from their much more toxic garbage. Assholes.
It’s pretty likely that I’ll be writing here more often. So I’m just gonna stop here.